Lain's Log

Double Trouble - Lock & Load - Ring & Road

  • September 19/16.

This is the story of a sexy, stunning blonde bombshell....(sheesh, - OK, OK, gimme a break! - So I was only tweaking this tale to give it a torrid, tantalizing twist, hoping to grab your attention)!? - Ha!

Will start over. – (Now, - THINK of this intro being read ALOUD by the unforgettable, haunting voice of the late great Rod Serling, brilliant mastermind of The Twilight Zone.

“PICTURE if you WILL, - a hard-working, dismally directionally-challenged, madcap, but captivating, Lennon-capped (YOUNG!?) woman in Riverdale, heading out the door, en route to an appointment. It appeared to be any ordinary, (yet red-hot, burning, blazing, steaming, sizzling, scorching) day. - She departed in her usual - calm, cool, collected manner, - (hmmm...alright, - SCRAP that...darting, daring, DASHING in her routinely reckless, maniacal, frenzied, freaked-out fashion), - never GUESSING her whole world was about to...

blow up REAL good!! - Yeahhh!
(Thanks a LOT Billy Sol Hurok and Big Jim McBob)! - NOT.

I'm talkin' - rockin'!!!!!!

 - Hiding beneath that "prettied-up" pic, - a powerful, powder keg,  awaiting spontaneous combustion. - SIGNPOST up ahead. - WELCOME to our portrait of a woman, teetering on the edge, - heading straight into "The Twilight Zone."

I have many longtime, truthful beliefs. - Example? - The most serious, significant conviction? - Supremely solid, sincere faith. - In what?

There's a divine, celestial force, somewhere out there. - I engage daily in CONVERSATIONAL prayer with this - being? - Despite deep faith - of ANY nature, no one knows, exactly for certain what might await us in an afterlife. They can't TELL - or EXPLAIN it to us. 
But on the flip side, - we will ALL find out.

- Another belief? - (also hugely important), - loyalty to never-ending,

deep-rooted friendships, - like THIS one, -- (here with Joanne and Franelle - in our teens, at the Toronto bus terminal, heading out with them for my FIRST trip to L.A.), - and GOLDEN, glowing, meaningful relationships!

Here are two others. - Just light-hearted ones. - (I THINK)!

1.) I actually DO reside in The Twilight Zone. - It's true!

2.) Even though Allen Funt, 

creator of one of the TV world’s very first reality shows, - (perhaps, even THE first), passed away exactly 17 years ago, - my PERSONAL theory is this. - He faked his own death and slyly, secretly lives on, solely to stalk me, watching my every move, waiting to catch me in my most vulnerable moments for the amusement of others.

The proof begins in the mysterious circumstances of Friday September 2nd. - As I jumped into my “Roadie Mum” - 

famous, familiar Forester to take off - eh? - (Note: THIS shot is just to help me in a "recreation" of that day and beyond). - The car WOULDN'T start! - Battery? - DEAD.

- First time since my lease began, and only ONE MONTH till that lease was set to expire for a NEW vehicle! - (Naturally!)

The demonic Mr. Allen “Fun” Funt, - (age 84), 

crawled into my car, under cloak of darkness, switched on the internal auto-illumination lights, purposely draining the battery, ensuring I could go nowhere in the morning! - (His pranks continue daily in my life, using me to keep sharp for April Fool's Day).

– Already late, - (and NOT smiling, as Funt requested and hoped) - raced back to the house, where I was - AGAIN, shocked out of my mind, 

when my husband, Sam, kindly offered to drive me to the long-booked appointment,

in exchange for a promise to call CAA, immediately upon my return. 

Agreeing, of course, to the demand, off we went, making it to the shrink’s office just five minutes late – (thankfully, while he was still with another patient).

Once sitting down, - spilling my Twilight Zone and 

Allen Funt guts to the Doc,

 he was bewitched, bothered and bewildered by this earth-shattering and fascinating Funt philosophy! 

Took an Uber home afterwards, my head spinning, and called CAA.

Within 20 minutes, - technician arrived, boosted battery 

& advised I visit my Subaru dealership ASAP to check power so I don't cack out on the road again. - Followed instructions - & told, "All is well", 

- then off on my merry way - for MORE mishaps! - (What ELSE?)

Heading towards the next destinations, doing errands, - grocery shopping and all that exciting stuff.

In the midst of this marathon of running in and out of the car, - discovered, - 

my wedding ring had disappeared from my finger! – First time in 32 years. – (Is someone trying to TELL me something?) - Ha! 

And - NO - all these sparklers are NOT my wedding ring. - (what can I say? - I love rings!) - But can't believe I don't have a close-up PHOTO of it! - You can see it here though - the two gold bands. (the engagement ring is turned around, so the diamond isn't visible).

– I suffer from vastroconstriction. – Lots of people do. 

Just call me Cool Hand Luke. - (Sometimes, when in a cool environment, - fingers shrink – or in a warm one, they expand). - The A/C - (someplace-or-other), caused my fingers to shrink, and the delicate, simple, polished gold wedding band fell off. - I didn’t notice right away. 

This isn't the actual band, but looks like it.

- Despite ALL methods to locate it, - the ring is officially now a goner. No stone left unturned. (lousy joke). 

Only have the engagement ring. (and IT was replaced about a decade ago when the diamond fell out). Ai yi yi. - Insurance? - Yes.

 But never the same ring. All steps retraced. Contact number given to any places I stopped. - I’m SURE, (because it was so loose, and likely dropped on to a carpeted area), I didn’t hear the “clink.” - Or possibly it fell down a drain while washing my hands, when the water was running, masking the sound. I don't know. 

- Had to give up the search.

So...heading on home. - AGAIN.

 (Friday afternoon rush-hour traffic), just before 5 p.m., - my passenger side front tire suddenly blowed UP - NO!!!!!!!!!!!

- (right guys, Big Jim & Billy)....
PLEASE...I GET it....I KNOW...I KNOW already..."REALLLL GOOD"!
Shut up!!!!!!!!!

 WTF??????? - Never happened before!

I was on Queensway West (?) - at about Gordon Drive. 
NOWHERE to stop. 

MY side? - Two lanes closed down to one. – Opposite traffic, - ALSO two lanes down to one, with nothing but red construction cones entirely through the centre. - My car - YIKES! -

bouncing like the Fred Flintstone contraption!
- Massive line of traffic behind me. Four way flashers on, but everyone honking! – At long last, spotted a driveway. - Pulled into it. - Phew.

 It was The Mississauga Surgery and Laser Clinic!

(Considered stopping by for a nose job, --

but the place was closed for the weekend). - Forced to call CAA. 
"THAT dizzy blonde again"??

YESSSSS! - AGAIN!!! – Getting ridiculous. - You can't make this shit up!

(2nd of my four-time free assistant requests).

– To kill time, emptied the trunk, 

yanked out this spare, - (in much better condition than my blowed-up-real-good tire, as you can clearly see), 

watched and read the news on my iPhone. – Miraculously, in less than half an hour, - ANOTHER wonderful technician appeared. Together, we got the blown tire off – (which also had a NAIL in it!), - replacing it in record time with the spare. Thank goodness.

– Lost as could be, - at Minneola – and Stavebank – or something – (just TWO streets away from my old childhood home in Port Credit!), - got directions back to downtown T.O. – Made it there in 20 minutes.
I was SUCH a mess, - sweating, crazed, relieved. Stopped in the back driveway to catch my breath and try to end the shaking! - Thought that HAD to be the last of the car calamities. - But I was wrong. - DAMN you FUNT!!

A couple of days later, - on my way to another appointment. - About a km. away from my destination, a stoplight - set to turn green. - Mount Pleasant and St. Clair.

As I went into first gear, the car revved like crazy, but wouldn't MOVE for a few seconds, - then did, - with great difficulty. - This happened over and over, from first gear to second, third to fourth, on and on. The car filled with the awful smell of burning oil. Managed to get to the doctor's office for my appointment, but....yep. - A THIRD call to....CAA!!!

THIS time, the technician had to spend a lot of time hooking my car up to the CAA truck to be towed back to the dealership. - If it's under 10 km., the trip is free. - After a long, slow drive, and chatting away with the young car expert, - it turned out to be 9.5 km. - LOL. - Another 20 minutes to get the car unhooked and the tires back down on "terra firma."

Turned out, the transmission was alright, but the clutch?-not-so-much. 

Had to leave the car overnight, take another Uber home, and the price for the fix? - $1350. - Clutch a mess after only having driven the Forester about 9,500 km. in two years. - Late the next afternoon, back to the dealership, paid up, drove off. 

THIS time? 

I DID - "SMILE for Candid Camera". - (Might placate Funt and finally get him off my case). - Though somehow, I doubt it.

– Took a couple of 10-second digi-cam pics before passing out, 

then home, 

in through that "comforting door", heading immediately to crash on the den couch and relax.
Sort of.

NOW do you believe where I truly reside,  - and that Mr. Funt lives?

Rod Serling: 
“This overwhelmed, tormented, sitting duck of The Stooges’ “Victim of Soi-cum-stance,” is slowly recovering from her bizarre visit to the disastrous, dangerous driveway of the Mississauga Laser Clinic - in – The Twilight Zone.

(cue theme).

Harsh Words Hit and Hurt my Daughter - then Me

July 24/16.


Remember me? Ha! Doubtful. - Been a long time.

Haven't written on the blog since 9/11 - 2014, - almost two years ago.
Thought I'd try my hand, - (or keyboard), once again.

This entry? - inspired by someone who said something exceedingly mean to me. - Enough to leave me in tears and want to chronicle what happened. - Maybe I can figure it out.

 Not every photo has to be happy, happy, happy, right? - (Here's my "go-to" sad/pensive pic).

But mostly, it's about people attacking and criticizing my daughter, Kate, for her first essay contribution to The Establishment online site - (published July 11).

Bit 'o history. - Lain's Log began as a tell-it-like-it-is medical blog about my breast cancer experience. Easy to conjure up material, after so many visits at Princess Margaret Hospital. My goal as a reporter, was, - no candy coating, - only the unvarnished truth, (for those also afflicted with breast cancer, who might want to know what it's actually like. - At least, for from one person's perspective).

I covered a gamut of issues and experiences.

Example. - Core needle biopsy. - Does it hurt to have a gun-like instrument held by a doctor, against your breast, and have him shoot it three times into your flesh, grabbing tissue samples and yanking them out to be tested?? - Thankfully, after begging for the pain-killing Lidocaine, (local anesthetic injected into the area to numb it), I needn't have worried about this scary-sounding procedure. Can honestly say, I felt NO pain whatsoever.

Or how about a particularly nasty nurse?

Or rude receptionist who treats patients like pond scum? - Look out!

There's a blogger writing about you"! She's got a notebook and poison pen, ready to reveal your appalling attitude toward the world! - Run for your life"!!

I didn't use names, but a description and time the person was working at their particular office, - the manner used to "greet" frightened women, combined with quotes from my own encounter. - Then I'd casually mention to the Dr, - "I blog about my experiences", passing him (or her), a post-it note with the LINK, urging, - "Check it out because you might just be IN it"!

NEXT time I saw the unpleasant greeter, - feeling horribly apprehensive about my procedure, - she welcomed me warmly, asked if I was comfortable and said the doctor would see me soon and be very gentle with the needles. - He'd read the blog! - I KNEW - he "GOT to her."
The POWER of words!

                             Carrie wheeling me out of hospital, - same day as the surgery.

(On the flip side, - I was ALWAYS complimentary of any staff member, nurse or doctor who was kind or helpful, - and there were MANY).

With the medical stories calming down, thank goodness, this writing platform morphed into a "Mom blog" for a while, - a title I despise! - HATE being called MOM, - (the way all the American TV show kids address their mothers). - "Awwwww MOM! - Sorry Biffy, but my stupid MOM won't let me out of jail till I finish my homework".

Just to be clear, - I am MUM. That's what we called OUR mother. - And for the record, I rarely reminded or forced my kids to do their homework. If they didn't complete it, - that was THEIR business and THEY could face the consequences.

(But of course, if they ASKED me, I'd be right there).


Look how they turned out! - Amazing, determined, intelligent, thoughtful, challenging, bright, beautiful, funny, talented, adventurous and on and on.

Now - switching gears to my daughter.

At 24, Kate completed her four-year journalism program at Ryerson, and long before graduating, was pitching, writing and making money through magazines, websites and ads from her own sex blog. When she painstakingly composed a courageous, heartfelt, honest and personal story called The Dangers of Dating Faux-Feminist Men for The Establishment,

compliments rolled in from those who understood, related and agreed with her opinions. - But just as suddenly, the "haters and trolls" came out of the woodwork, lashing out in anger, taunting, calling her names and hurling insults. 

The story definitely touched nerves and Kate found herself deluged with negative responses coming her way through every social medium. 

Many criticized her attitudes on feminism, while others attacked Kate herself, tossing vitriol, verbal stones for expressing her own raw opinions. Some of the offensive remarks became frightening, - even threatening. - Though shaken, and admitting to having a hard time time dealing with people so determined to destroy her, Kate took them all on, in her usual brave way, - boldly responding to many of the messages she received. 

Other followers, friends and fans counteracted, praising her work.

The story took on a life of its own. For several days, the candid article landed her #1 on the site's "Most Established" list.

Jessica Sutherland, head of social media at The Establishment, explained to me, "The anti-feminist crowd is very vocal, but I think Kate's piece resonated with more people than it rankled. - The positive shares are what LEADS the trolls to notice it in the first place"!

It's hard to fathom the idea, - so many men believe the word FEMINIST translates to man hater. - Couldn't be further from the truth. -

Ha! - In fact, I happen to know, there are countless men Kate adores! - Take THIS guy!
Benedict Cumberbatch.

So, my darlin' daughter, has fought her way through the firestorm and is already on to new, hot and exciting adventures & projects. She'll continue to speak her mind and there's so much more ahead for this brilliant young writer. Keep an eye out for her.

A force to be reckoned with!

As for ME? - The hurtful remarks are nothing compared to what Kate faced. - Just over a month ago, someone said something very mean to me. - (not about Kate, - but myself), and I can't seem to get past it.

As a Libra, (sign of the scales), - representing balance, harmony and peacekeeping, I've always despised fights, controversy, intense or heated arguments. - Try to back away from them whenever possible.
Strange, since I've so often found myself caught up in a swirling, virtual, volatile vortex of emotional turbulence. Sometimes inescapable.

The pain and symptoms of a tirade most often stays inside you, where others can't see them, or even realize you are confused, crushed or hurt.

After coming up against that kind of blast, you'd think it would be like water off a duck's back. - Nope.

At any rate, what this person told me was really only one sentence, startling, crass, mean-spirited, unexpected, painful and hurt me very much.

I don't have a clue whether it was said purposely to achieve this very goal, - (if so, - good for you,

But perhaps it was said without malice, with no idea it would stab me in the heart, leaving me in a state of sadness. - (Photo taken years ago at a train station, after seeing my grandfather in England, following what I thought would be my first and last visit with him). - Another "go-to" photo. - (There's no FAKING sadness).

Worse still, this comment came from a person I've always been good to, treated with kindness and generosity over years. For that reason, - the fact that I care, shows me I can forgive, but not forget, - yet.

I haven't spoken to this person since the comment was made, and likely won't ask about it until I figure out and understand it myself. Haven't even glanced at their Facebook page. Not once.

******July 29/16.
This upsetting issue (my own), - has now been resolved. I'm leaving the blog entry up, but any readers seeing it as of this date, should know, it's OK. Worked out by both of us.
Still hurts, but - I've come to an understanding - (50/50 brought upon by me), with this special person in my life. Thank you for helping to straighten things out.

The whole thing makes me want to take off for.....I don't know...someplace, -  maybe familiar, like --

- inch by inch......

Or how about going back to


(Hey Kate! - maybe we can return to the Sex Museum, steal this sign and flash all the "haters")!
Nah. I know you're nicer than that.

Or like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, - "There's no place like home. - There's no place like home."

 Perhaps - "I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with"!

So, - will leave you with Kate. -  If my own daughter can survive, overcome and be even stronger after facing verbal slings and arrows, - hell, I should be able to dodge ONE stinging sentence, - don't you think?